This post is in response to a good friend of mine who recently crafted a well thought-out, eloquent argument for the supremacy of one New York Yankees. Basically, his argument is that the Yankees have always been great and will continue to be great, and their supremacy has nothing to do with the fact that they’re willing to spend more money on one player than some teams can afford to spend on their entire roster, and everything to do with the Divine Will of God (or, in my friend’s case, the Divine Will of George Michael Steinbrenner III).
His comments incensed me to such a degree that I postponed my studying for a history quiz (not like I needed that much of an excuse) to respond.
If Major League Baseball were Star Wars, the New York Yankees would be the Sith, making Steinbrenner Emporer Palpatine, and Jorge Posada Darth Vader, because he wears a mask and was thought to bring a balance between batting and defensive prowess to the Catcher position only to go over to the dark side and play for the Yankees.
The Yankees are a machine, an entity existing only to perpetuate itself in a vicious cycle, caring for victory and little else. My esteemed colleague noted that the Yankees were willing to spend more money than anybody else, so let’s take a look-see at some figures, shall we? In 2008, the Yankees had the highest payroll of any professional sports franchise ever, working with the paltry sum of Two Hundred and Nine Million Dollars, easily eclipsing the 2008 World Champion Philadelphia Phillies, who managed to squeak by on a relatively thrifty ninety-eight million. The Yankees had a payroll almost twenty times that of the Florida Marlins—in fact, Alex Rodgriguez was paid more than the entire Marlins roster. While we’re juxtaposing the Marlins and the Yankees, consider this. The Marlins finished the 2008 season with a record of 84 wins and 77 losses. The Yanks wrapped the year up with 89 wins and 73 losses, meaning Joe Steinbrenner spent roughly a hundred and ninety million dollars more than the Marlins in order to win five more games than them. Clearly, Joe Girardi did not take the time to read Moneyball.
Players, often sensing that the apex of their career has since passed, are wont to sign with the Yankees, who will often pay them unheard-of amounts for money (even for such a pedestrian position as middle relief), trading in on the player’s name recognition by pawning his replica jersey off on the unsuspecting, innocent saps that they condescendingly have dubbed their fanbase (Adam Salloum notwithstanding). Meanwhile, because of the luxury tax levied on their Brobdingnagian payroll, the Yankees inevitably lose money every season, despite the massive receipts from merchandising and ticket sales that they consistently pull in.
The Yankee players are not a “team” in the traditional sense of the word. They are simply a loose association of socialites, steroid users and one dude who boffed Madonna who happen to be tied by the common bonds of greed and wanting to win no matter the cost. Once they’ve signed their souls away for the promise of a World Series ring and their very own memorial bobblehead doll, exhibit little to no signs of actual team bonding. In fact, if you google the phrase “Yankee team bonding,” your search will yield no results. Before the Boston Red Sox defeated the Yankees in the 2004 ALCS championship, each Red Sox player took a shot of Jack Daniels in order to become closer to his fellow teammates. I can’t imagine any Yankee doing that, and in fact the only shot I can envision is a shot of HGH injected straight into the inner thigh of specific Yankees (Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield, I’m looking at you guys) before they took the field.
In conclusion, the Yankees do indeed spend more money than anybody else. They do indeed attract the best talent in the game of baseball. And yes, despite the stumbling block that was the 2008 season, the Yankees are consistently one of the best teams in baseball. But that doesn’t change the fact that they're evil.
20090102
Bro Time with Dave
Meet Dave (not his real name). No, not the shitty Eddie Murphy movie of the same name, but Dave. An actual, breathing, real live non spaceship humanoid. He is twenty and goes to college. He is a member of a fraternity. However, he is so much more than that. Here’s a little Q and A we at Puppies with Hats did with him to dig deep into the soul of a bro.
- Puppies with Hats: What’s poppin’?
- Dave: Nada, just chillin’.
- PWH: How do you feel about LeRoi [Moore, of Dave Matthews Band]’s passing?
- D: I cried. I was on Yahoo. I didn’t know. I listened to “#41”. He has a sick solo on that song.
- PWH: What’s the best frat at [your college]?
- D: Lambda Chi Alpha—it’s a fraternity. A lot of the other [frats] have a bad reputation, stigmas that they can’t get away from. It’s kind of a big deal.
- PWH: Who are some famous Lambda Chi’s?
- D: Kenny Chesney, Ron Paul, [Joe] Paterno—I don’t know if that’s true. And the guy who created ESPN. I feel so broish right now.
- PWH: What’s the broingest thing you’ve ever done?
- D: Went to a DMB concert. I’ve been multiple times.
- PWH: How many?
- D: Four. Five this summer. I guessed each song within a matter of seconds and I corrected the people around me who got the songs wrong. I also know every word to every DMB song. I know what he’s about to write.
- PWH: What’s the sickest party you’ve ever been to?
- D: Cinco de Mayo—I had really good beer.
- PWH: What are you listening to right now?
- D: The new Kanye. I like it because it’s different, but I wouldn’t like it if he stayed that way. There are some really good beats on there.
After the interview reached its conclusion, Dave (not his real name) allowed us to take a peek at his iPod to see what he’s been listening to. The following are a few of his favorite songs:
“Cuddy Buddy (Remix)”—Mike Jones feat. Trey Songz, Twista and Lil Wayne
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